The F in F.U.D.G.E. stands for Fear

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A couple of weeks ago I introduced you to the concept of F.U.D.G.E in an overview. The letters of F.U.D.G.E represent the emotions of caregiving: Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt, Guilt, and Exhaustion.

When it comes to the fudge we know and love we recognize the ingredients separately but in real life they combine, intertwine, spill into, have impact on the final result. F.U.D.G.E is something we can nibble on, and at times we may eat too much.

Today we begin our focus on the ingredients of F.U.D.G.E, beginning with “F.” The F stands for Fear.

Fear. I’m going to capitalize that word throughout this article - because I respect it.

You've probably heard there is healthy fear and unhealthy fear. Some of us go overboard on the unhealthy part but I have a great respect for Fear and its place in my life. I have had fear-FULL times (another made up word, so fun! I like mine better) and there have been times I was unaware that fear was afoot.

It took some education, a few “life experiences”, and the unpeeling of that onion to see Fear and to get Fear where it was no longer hurting me. Professionally I often encounter people with the kind of Fear that hurts or cripples, Fear among patients or the folks that love them, the caregiver and the care recipient. Fear can hold us captive, but I am here to say that it can be less so.

None of us escapes having some fear in our lives. There's a lot of Fear surrounding healthcare: Understanding it, making decisions, in receiving care and in the caregiving. From where I stand, as a professional working in aging - while aging (I’m 68), there’s a lot of Fear while navigating aging.

When Fear is present it can work us, work on us. It can seem ever-present, riding along with us, sometimes for days, weeks, or a lifetime. Fear can dominate. Fear can show up at the most inopportune moments.

Fear grips and Fear distracts. Fear can prevent action if we let it. It can arrive fast. It can nag.

It is my opinion that we can use Fear. We can harness it and use it to our advantage. Think about it: haven't there been times when your antenna went up about a situation? Was that Fear warning you of danger? Do you, or have you ever as a child | parent | friend | caregiver | work supervisor had a time when you saw the signals that something could go awry? Did that present an opportunity to mitigate or avoid something bad? 

Some Fear is good and for our benefit.

I have a healthy Fear when I see my car’s Check Engine light come on coupled with an oil light or a strange new sound. I do understand the significance of the “idiot lights” on my car’s dashboard but I know my limits, and so diagnostics at a repair shop is where I’ll be headed.

There are ways to get a grip on fear (rather than the other way around).

There are ways to get a grip on fear (rather than the other way around). We begin to arrest Fear by acknowledging its presence. Then we can assess it, and then we can sometimes control the level of fear. I call this process: Acknowledge – Assess – Assign.

Acknowledge: We can begin to better understand Fear by acknowledging its presence. Let's acknowledge that it's here, or may be present at times. Certain situations make fear pop up. Our true challenge is not the Fear but how we meet it. The Fear may not be the problem or concern or the main issue at all, but it is important how much attention and power we give Fear.

Assess: Like a racehorse jockeying for position, we can determine the threat that Fear is signaling as it competes for our attention and action. (Are we neck and neck, or can we take ‘im?).

Once we recognize its presence we must assess to what degree it is impacting us. Where might it be coming from? Is this Fear even germane to this situation (or unrelated)? Stumbling block, hurdle, or wall?

Seeing Fear for what it is can be the first step.

Assign: Is this something we need to grasp, obey, or ignore? Or must we deal with this first, before our other matter or in tandem with it? We find ourselves at an intersection. With proper assessment comes our power: to assign the appropriate level of concern.

Fear is there to protect us.

Fear is there to protect us, it's really a fundamental and valuable emotion designed to have us give pause, or to quickly heighten awareness.

What about when Fear holds us back? Slows, or even cripples? Can we do something to mitigate that or begin to turn it around? Plenty of people call me for consultation when they are sensing change or challenge in situations that are unfamiliar or for which they are unprepared. This is a healthy response. So already there is hope and help.

We can dig out of Fear and decide how we will use it.

(Welcome to the solutions-part y’all know I love).

Talk about it. Fear can lose some of its power when you talk about it with somebody else. Obtain another perspective. For me stuff will begin to make sense as I'm talking about it. I realize things when I'm sharing about that which humbugs me. I've been able to solve my own problem when I hear the words coming out of my own mouth. I realize sometimes how insanely out of proportion I've blown them because I can't defend the enormity that I've allowed them to take hold in my mind.

Another way is writing- a similar experience. As I write I can evaluate the proper proportion to assign it and how much real estate I'm willing to give this problem in my day or my life or in this instance.

A third way for those who don't feel comfortable sharing or do not wish to approach writing could be breaking it down in careful thought. Stop and think about the Fear, then Acknowledge – Address – Assign.

I’m reminded of that familiar query “How do you eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time.” Where's the Fear coming from? Is this impacted by a previous event? Is this an old reaction to a not-quite-similar circumstance and you are projecting old emotional parts over onto this present thing? (There’s your self-preservation, but is it true in this case?).

There is the power, the choice, the option to put the Fear in its place. Remember, we get to assign the proper level of attention or grant the amount of real estate it will occupy in your mind.

A quick check can help us come out of Fear, also.

Sometimes we can call upon that notch we have in our emotional toolbelt – we’ve seen this before, or something similar. “That’s right! I saw John or Joyce go through this (so I can also) so I’ll ask for their perspective.” If others can, I can too.

Once we are able to get some relief, and can pull ourselves up and out of the quagmire, the view looks different. We may realize that we have assigned too much importance to (the thing) what we were so certain was reality, only to later realize that whatever it was it was not that bad or not so hard. I gave it too much importance. I gave it power over me.

The best tool I’ve seen for addressing or combatting Fear is information.

The biggest and best tool I’ve seen for addressing or combatting Fear is information. This is how I help folks as I consult in aging and solo aging. I explain how stuff works, provide the options, they find their right path, and I help folks avoid mistakes and missteps.

If you’re like me, my mind can go all kinds of places until more is known. Facts fight Fear. To get more information shines a light on the worry and begins to illuminate the path to solution. And y’all already know how much I talk about moving “Out of the problem and into the solution”. It just feels better.

We can move through, with Fear

I shall never forget the time and place, and the circumstances when I first heard someone telling me that I could “move through fear”. At the time it was, for me, a revelation. It had never occurred to me that I could handle whatever comes at me while having Fear.

Fear does have its place in whatever’s going on. It’s a signal, an alert. We can have a lot of choices in how we deal with Fear. Among those choices are to remain in overwhelm and in confusion, or to seek information and climb out.

My point is that we mustn’t always regard Fear as a negative. We have acknowledged that it can serve us at times. Fear may be trying to get our attention and it can protect us. Our quick check and assignment of importance is how we can benefit. We can move through Fear.

Let's have a conversation about Fear, quick checks and peeling the Fear-onion. I believe that we can fight Fear with information, and a little love.

Is Fear a stumbling block, hurdle or wall for you? No matter if it’s healthcare navigation, aging, solo aging, or caregiving I help folks harness the good in Fear and to continue on their way. Book a consultation here or while visiting nancyruffner.com.