The Science Behind Being Stuck
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Stuckness: When the Wheels Won’t Turn (and You're the One Sitting on Them)
The term ‘stuckness’ may not be found in your psychology textbooks—but it sure shows up in real life. It’s that mucky, murky feeling that we can’t move forward - even though we know something needs to change. The answer might be just beyond the fog... but we’re knee-deep in our own emotional quicksand.
In plain speak Stuckness = fear. Whether the fear is big and obvious - or tiny and stealthy, it’s usually lurking in the background. So let’s break it down a bit.
Your Brain on Stuck: A Love Letter to the Amygdala
Fear, anxiety, and distress are emotional bodyguards. They’re wired to protect us—by dousing us with cortisol, adrenaline, and the like, and then whispering (or maybe yelling) “Danger!” to our brains and bodies. The star of this little show? The amygdala. She’s a little almond-shaped chunk of your brain with a flair for the dramatic.
The amygdala is a first responder, trained to detect potential threats. But here’s the kicker: the threat doesn’t have to be real. Fear of failure, shame, or loss? Amygdala’s got opinions. Even vague vulnerability can trigger a full safety drill.
And when that happens, she’ll sometimes shut down the logical parts of your brain—the prefrontal cortex—so you can “safely” react. That’s Helpful in bear attacks. Less so in career changes or difficult conversations.
The Fear Fab Four: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn
Let’s talk about how that fear shows up when we’re stuck:
Fight: Not always fists. Sometimes it’s defensiveness, picking arguments, or being contrary for “no reason.” (Spoiler: there is a reason.)
Flight: Withdrawal. Avoidance. Curling up into your favorite hidey-hole because conflict or failure feels too risky.
Freeze: Good old-fashioned paralysis. No decision feels safe, so we do nothing... and wait for the universe to decide for us. (Risky, but oddly popular!)
Fawn: People-pleasing as a safety strategy. We lose ourselves in others’ needs to avoid taking risks on our own behalf.
Why? Because change = uncertainty, and uncertainty = possible bad outcomes... or so our brains say!
But here’s a twist: fear can also motivate. It can shove us into motion, too. Ever sprung into action because you were afraid not to? That is the amygdala again, still workin’, it just flipped the switch to “Go, NOW!”
So, if we’re stuck, how do we unstick?
From Stuck to Forward: 4 Ways to Get Unstuck
No doubt you’ve heard of positive thinking. Get unstuck with possible thinking. There’s a difference—and it’s where real change starts.
1. Visualize Success (The Real Kind)
Don’t just daydream about the end result. Visualize the process. The steps. The missteps. The sweat. Smell the chalk. Hear the buzzer. Watch the ball go through the net. That’s how Michael Jordan did it. Add Muhamed Ali, who famously said “If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it – then I can achieve it.”
And Billie Jean. And Michael Phelps. They didn’t just see the win—they practiced it in their minds, over and over.
Want a “W”? Walk yourself through it. Literally. Use your senses. Get specific. Paint your picture, get your Win.
2. Separate Your Self-Worth from Your Achievements
If you’ve ever said, “If I fail at this, I’ll be a failure,” congratulations—you’re human. But you’re also wrong.
You are not your outcomes. You are the do-er, not just the done. Your efforts, attempts, and even your flops don’t define your worth. Try saying this instead:
“I most often try, and I sometimes fail. But the failure? That ain’t me.”
3. Build Self-Compassion, Not Just Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is a fair-weather friend. Self-compassion? That can be your everyday companion.
Give yourself the kind of grace you’d offer a dear friend. Talk to yourself like your favorite coach, or a beloved mentor, or even... Mr. Rogers (or reflect upon the popular Christian WWJD movement with its bracelets as a reminder). Support, not shame, builds resilience.
Can’t think of someone supportive? Imagine one. Make them up. You’re allowed. (I do it all the time. We get lunch.)
4. Change Your Resistance Mindset
Resistance isn’t you—it’s a part of you. So name it. Seriously. Give it a goofy little name.
I call mine “NancyCant.” She shows up right when I’m about to try something brave, whispering, “Nancy, you can’t do that. Nope. Too scary.”
And I say, “Hi, NancyCant. Didn’t think I’d see you again so soon.” Then I separate, and continue.
You are not your resistance. You’re the one who sees it—and gets to choose.
So... What Now?
The next time you feel stuck, try one of these four strategies. Try all four. Mix and match. Put your own twist on them. Because stuckness is normal—but staying stuck? Optional.
Here’s your cheat sheet:
Visualize the win – and all the steps that get you there.
You ≠ your results – your worth isn’t on the line.
Be your own kind coach – not your inner critic.
Name the resistance – and remind yourself it’s not the boss of you.
When I feel stuck, I reach for visualization first. Why? Because I can play with it. I can shift the scene, tweak the tone, and hey—if I’m writing the story, you bet I’m getting a “W.”
Let’s hear it for Possible Thinking. May it lead us out of the quagmire, past the NancyCants, and straight into action. ‘You in?
Nancy Ruffner is a patient advocate who provides strategy for aging, healthcare navigation, and solo aging. Consulting with clients in a triage fashion, offering one-hour consultations to find a path, and a deeper understanding of “how stuff works” in eldercare, or how to specifically problem-solve. Schedule your 1-Hour session now, without obligation of commitment or continuing costs. nancyruffner.com